I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I like a a lot of things. Luxurious lifestyle, fast cars, supervises, international travel, splurging on retail therapy, etc. Basically things the very rich are blessed with. Now, reading the last line don't assume Im poor, I'm just not rich on my own, 30 and living on pocket money, not the most ideal life. I have always lived a life where didn't really have to work to get wanted, everything came easy to me, sometimes so easy I forgot to value it. I was always encouraged to work on my passions, to follow my dream and not to focus on earning money as money would follow once I started pursuing my passion with all my heart. Well, the trouble is, I have a lot of passions, I want to do many things, all at the same time, or at least I wanted to.
I don't know where it started but in the whole idea of pursuing my passions, I came to the realisation that I hadn't reached anywhere. I did not succeed in becoming a photographer, no doubt I'm good at photography, people love my work. I did not succeed at becoming an actor, because I dint quite give as many audition or tried acting in front of my own camera. Didn't succeed in becoming a film maker cause I was too busy over criticising my own work and I didn't try hard enough to do it better. I didn't succeed in becoming a writer, mainly because I didn't end up finishing what I started and would start a new story/blog/article before finishing the previous one. I recently started vlogging. Guess what? Procrastination kicked in. I think its the fear, a massive insecurity inside of me, thats holding me back. A fear of 'what if'.
What if I can't make it? What if people don't like what I click? What if my writing is not good enough? What if I can't act and have camera fear or am really bad as an actor? What if I can't fulfil my passion of being a film maker cause of lack of funds? Too many of these 'whats ifs' were weighing me down. I cant seem to find the courage to fight these whats ifs.I don't have a job or any other stable source of income, to be honest I don't even know if I can get a job or make money, Im scared of even trying because the fear of failure kicks in.
Time and again committing suicide seems easier than going through this life. But suicide is not a privilege I have, can't leave a family in pain, a family that believes in me even when I don't, a family that loves me on days when I find it difficult even to like myself. I can't die, even though this is not the life I want, Im not even the hard working kinds, the trouble is I don't even find the motivation to work or do something about the life I don't want or don't like, I can't seem to find the will to put effort in changing this life.
This is to change, I want to start my life again minus the insecurities, minus the fears, minus the procrastination and minus all those negatives which have been weighing me down. I don't have to die and be born again to restart my life, I just have to make up my mind and start acting on my life and shape it the way I want. So here goes, my take on life Season 2.
Im gonna find creativity again, Im gonna put my fears aside and follow my heart once more. I will write what I feel, click what I fancy, be my own audience and shoot myself as whatever character I want to be.
Best of Luck to the new me.
love.
I don't know where it started but in the whole idea of pursuing my passions, I came to the realisation that I hadn't reached anywhere. I did not succeed in becoming a photographer, no doubt I'm good at photography, people love my work. I did not succeed at becoming an actor, because I dint quite give as many audition or tried acting in front of my own camera. Didn't succeed in becoming a film maker cause I was too busy over criticising my own work and I didn't try hard enough to do it better. I didn't succeed in becoming a writer, mainly because I didn't end up finishing what I started and would start a new story/blog/article before finishing the previous one. I recently started vlogging. Guess what? Procrastination kicked in. I think its the fear, a massive insecurity inside of me, thats holding me back. A fear of 'what if'.
What if I can't make it? What if people don't like what I click? What if my writing is not good enough? What if I can't act and have camera fear or am really bad as an actor? What if I can't fulfil my passion of being a film maker cause of lack of funds? Too many of these 'whats ifs' were weighing me down. I cant seem to find the courage to fight these whats ifs.I don't have a job or any other stable source of income, to be honest I don't even know if I can get a job or make money, Im scared of even trying because the fear of failure kicks in.
Time and again committing suicide seems easier than going through this life. But suicide is not a privilege I have, can't leave a family in pain, a family that believes in me even when I don't, a family that loves me on days when I find it difficult even to like myself. I can't die, even though this is not the life I want, Im not even the hard working kinds, the trouble is I don't even find the motivation to work or do something about the life I don't want or don't like, I can't seem to find the will to put effort in changing this life.
This is to change, I want to start my life again minus the insecurities, minus the fears, minus the procrastination and minus all those negatives which have been weighing me down. I don't have to die and be born again to restart my life, I just have to make up my mind and start acting on my life and shape it the way I want. So here goes, my take on life Season 2.
Im gonna find creativity again, Im gonna put my fears aside and follow my heart once more. I will write what I feel, click what I fancy, be my own audience and shoot myself as whatever character I want to be.
Best of Luck to the new me.
love.
