Nowhere at 30 or Now here at 30

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I like a a lot of things. Luxurious lifestyle, fast cars, supervises, international travel, splurging on retail therapy, etc. Basically things the very rich are blessed with. Now, reading the last line don't assume Im poor, I'm just not rich on my own, 30 and living on pocket money, not the most ideal life. I have always lived a life where didn't really have to work to get wanted, everything came easy to me, sometimes so easy I forgot to value it. I  was always encouraged to work on my passions, to follow my dream and not to focus on earning money as money would follow once I started pursuing my passion with all my heart. Well, the trouble is, I have a lot of passions, I want to do many things, all at the same time, or at least I wanted to.
I don't know where it started but in the whole idea of pursuing my passions, I came to the realisation that I hadn't reached anywhere. I did not succeed in becoming a photographer, no doubt I'm good at photography, people love my work. I did not succeed at becoming an actor, because I dint quite give as many audition or tried acting in front of my own camera. Didn't succeed in becoming a film maker cause I was too busy over criticising my own work and I didn't try hard enough to do it better. I didn't succeed in becoming a writer, mainly because I didn't end up finishing what I started and would start a new story/blog/article before finishing the previous one. I recently started vlogging. Guess what? Procrastination kicked in. I think its the fear, a massive insecurity inside of me, thats holding me back. A fear of 'what if'.

Image Courtesy Captain Digital

What if I can't make it? What if people don't like what I click? What if my writing is not good enough? What if I can't act and have camera fear or am really bad as an actor? What if I can't fulfil my passion of being a film maker cause of lack of funds? Too many of these 'whats ifs' were weighing me down. I cant seem to find the courage to fight these whats ifs.I don't have a job or any other stable source of income, to be honest I don't even know if I can get a job or make money, Im scared of even trying because the fear of failure kicks in.
Time and again committing suicide seems easier than going through this life. But suicide is not a privilege I have, can't leave a family in pain, a family that believes in me even when I don't, a family that loves me on days when I find it difficult even to like myself. I can't die, even though this is not the life I want, Im not even the hard working kinds, the trouble is I don't even find the motivation to work or do something about the life I don't want or don't like, I can't seem to find the will to put effort in changing this life.

Image Courtesy Free Form Fitness

This is to change, I want to start my life again minus the insecurities, minus the fears, minus the procrastination and minus all those negatives which have been weighing me down. I don't have to die and be born again to restart my life, I just have to make up my mind and start acting on my life and shape it the way I want. So here goes, my take on life Season 2.
Im gonna find creativity again, Im gonna put my fears aside and follow my heart once more. I will write what I feel, click what I fancy, be my own audience and shoot myself as whatever character I want to be.
Best of Luck to the new me.
love.

Depression and Suicide Volume 1

This is not a blog that would end with a motivational speech or a social message, this blog contains my personal experiences of first hand depression and how it led to me trying to end my life. I want to warn you guys that this blog might make you sad coz Im gonna speak about my sad life, fucked relationship and walking down a path to self destruction.

Depression can come at any stage of life, there is no fixed age at which hope is lost, it can happen in teenage, early adulthood, mid life or even old age. Reasons can be many, but the fact is we all at some point in life suffer depression. 

Lets go periodical with it.

Preteens(10-12yrs)

I don't know when depression first hit me, The first major event that made me really sad was the summer of 1997, I was informed by my mother that I would have to change my school(Jr. and Tiny Tots), I loved my school, I fought with her and refused to change my school, so she explained to me that I had failed in hindi and could not be promoted to the next class, who the fuck fails a 5th grader. I had two choices either to continue in 5th grade and be ridiculed by my juniors and those of my batch or change me beloved school. I had no option so it was decided that I will change the school. I wasn't a very bright student and I gave entrance tests at a couple of schools and didn't get through, it was the first time then when I experienced first hand dejection. Finally my family had to make few donations and I was admitted to a school not very far from my house, it wasn't well reputed and not at all classy. It was a hell hole but I adjusted and I adjusted well, within few months life was normal. So that means I wasn't depressed then. 

When did depression hit?

Teenage(14-17yrs)

It could have been my Dads’ demise in 2001, that was the most life changing event that happened. Even till date I don't think anything can be compared to the damage and the torment my Dad’s death caused, I was just 14 then and I couldn't accept it, I went into drugs and chemical intoxications to numb the pain and to escape the emotional emptiness, I don't really know if I was depressed then but I was really really sad, not just sad, angry, I had anger and hate towards everything and everyone, even my Mom, who selflessly stood by me and forgot her own existence to keep me well balanced. Instead of seeing her sacrifices all I could see was how my life was miserable and I believed that she too had a part to play in my misery. I became violent, started bullying the kids around, was mostly mean to everyone, disrespectful to elders and weirdly I started enjoying who I had become! A sick, twisted, arrogant bully. With the increasing hormones and the intoxications I was turning into a maniac, my Mom, or for that matter, the family couldn't really control the demon inside me. I was going towards destruction. I was 16 and full of rage, and the rising testosterone level and increased libido gave birth to a crazy desire for the opposite sex and I found S. S was two years elder to me, she was in 1st year college. Not only was she the opposite sex but she started giving me sex, regularly, might have been thrice a week, I also got blow jobs. I was a little less angry, sex calmed me down, I confused sexual satisfaction with love. I convinced myself it was love, i wont deny attachment and real deep attachment, me and S did connect, we were pretty good friends, but now when I look back I’m very certain it wasn't love, not even remotely love, actually I still don't quite know what love is but that was not love. When my Mom discovered how sunk I was in debauchery, she tried everything to fix it, but I was addicted. Alcohol and Sex was my way of life. I tried attacking the one woman who can give her life for me, I had developed intermittent explosive disorder or IED, I would have massive bursts of rage, I would break things and harm myself. I don't know how my Mom managed but my family played some magic trick and S was moved back to her home town. One day S’s mom came, packed her bags and took her back. I cried my lungs out, but that wasn't depressing, I knew I was just unhappy and heartbroken(I guess), my first real relation came to an end. It was annoying and upsetting. It resulted in me going back to being angry and aggressive. Along came T, T was a nice homely girl, a great friend, when I met T she was having a long distance affair with a guy in Kolkatta, now I dont know how I got involved with T, both of us were attracted to each other and one day we kissed and that was it, we mutually started seeing each other, she was 16 then and I was 18, the perfect age for a fairy tale love-story. T till date has been my longest relationship, almost 4 years. If we would have been together we would have been 12 years strong probably married with a baby or two. Lol, but this is my life and its full of anger, hate and pain. No babies, no wife, no love, not even a fucking girlfriend, I’m a master of bad, broken and ugly relationships.

Early Adulthood(18-21)

T and I were going strong, I was possessive and so was she. We were both extremes, madly possessive and madly in love(still don't know what love is). Possessive to a point that we’d make stories and lie to each other. Both of us could have been great friends and to a point maybe we were but our relationship fucked it, I made her a monster and she brought my demon out. The violence was back but now for guys who tried hitting on her, her guy friends, every guy trying to even look at her on the road, T was pretty, very pretty. By late 2007 or early 2008 our relationship had gone so ugly because of our insecurities and possessiveness it had become difficult to breathe, it was suffocating with each other but love(our friendship) kept us together. Eventually I started cheating on her, not physically, I wasn't fucking other women, but I had these two amazing friends Tri and Ish, I could completely empty myself out with them, T got a hint that something was fishy, and it was, I was speaking more with Tri and Ish rather than speaking with T because I felt I wasn't getting the understanding I needed, I was also running an event company, I needed more space and understanding which she was failing to provide, I think that was the first time I felt something close to being depressed, I cared for her and loved her but I just wanted to stay away from her coz at that point she was making me sad. Maybe I was making her sad too, maybe she was as suffocated as I was, but she didn't open up to anyone else, so that makes me the asshole who cheated on her emotionally. I was dumped by her on 7th March, 2009. Boom!. Fucked My first serious relationship, this was sort of depressing, but was it depression?

My Real depression came in my adult hood, when I was in my best, had it all, perfect house, luxury car, job satisfaction, crazy sexy life, I was a wolf in the social circle and people would give anything to be around me and my crazy flamboyant lifestyle, even my haters loved me. It was all snatched in a days time and my world came crashing down on me. My dreams, My social circle, My friends(at least thats what I thought) and my beautiful life all gone.

STAY TUNED FOR VOLUME 2: The Actual account of my depression and Suicidal Tendencies